[His usual smile is conspicuously absent, as he lets Lan Zhan in. While he usually dislikes spending too much time in the replica of the Burial Mounds here in his room, it seems to suit his mood now. Besides, it was the one place he knew Lan Zhan couldn't just drag him out.]
[ He never was able to take Wei Ying out of the burial mounds. ]
Months from now, I take you and hide you at the Cloud Recesses. You and I, we form a suspicion of Meng Yao together.
You tell me that you no longer care, if he did it or not. You tell me you did, when you were first resurrected, but you have accepted that the people wanted someone to blame, and if not for Jin Guangyao, there would be someone else.
You forget seeking revenge, holding onto anger.
And you don't let it destroy you.
[ That was a lot of words, but he had several hours to string some together, and he wanted Wei Ying to know it wasn't some sort of conspiracy to hold facts from him for Meng Yao's sake. Or even Xichen's. ]
[It still feels like there's so much he doesn't know. Whatever the root of this conspiracy is, what makes him decide to just let things go, and for what reason...]
Lan Zhan... You want me to be that person, but I'm not. I haven't lived that life, I haven't taken that path.
[He grits his teeth, eyes already red-rimmed.]
Tell me. How much of what happened before... how much of it was Meng Yao? You say we had a suspicion of what he did, but I still don't know what the hell that is! He framed me, set me up, made me someone to blame, fine, but you didn't think I should know that?
[There were plenty of holes in his memory, things he wasn't sure of, and Lan Zhan had all the pieces, and even knowingly kept them from him. He felt lied to, hurt, frustrated. He knows he shouldn't lash out, but he has nowhere else for this anger to go.]
No wonder it was so easy for you to say you believed in me, you already knew. That's not trust, Lan Zhan. That's not...
[He can't hold onto his voice anymore, hot tears already spilling over, so he turns away.]
I know you are not that person, which is why you were not ready to know.
[ Looking at how upset he is, he knows for certain. Was that not why he was willing to take his secret of Jiang Wanyin's core to the grave? When would Jiang Wanyin ever be ready to learn of what happened on that mountain?
Yet, he cannot blame Wei Ying for this reaction. He knew it would happen, if he found out. He knew it would cause this upset, and rightfully so: at Meng Yao, at the world, at Lan Wangji himself. He wouldn't have told him just to save his own conscience from this fallout now happening.
And he won't try to save himself by saying that he had believed Wei Ying the whole time, that he'd trusted him for twenty years, that in that regard there is no missing sixteen years in the middle.
Wei Ying may be angry with him, but he won't leave. Not this time.
He reaches out for Wei Ying, trepidatiously in case he's rejected. At first it's a hand on his arm, but if Wei Ying will allow it, Lan Wangji will pull him into an embrace and let him cry, or hit him, or yell out his frustrations. Whatever he wishes, as long as his anger is channeled directly to the only other person in this room. ]
I wasn't ready? You know what's best for me then, is that it?
[Just like how he'd wanted him to run away to Gusu, try to fix all his problems, try to tell him what he ought to do... it chafes at him. Being left in the dark, while everyone around him knows more about his own life than he does. Sheltering him from these things, how is it not just another pretty cage? Keeping him complacent and surrounded by this happiness that now feels so empty.
The hand on his arm is enough for him to jerk away, flinching at the touch, though he turns to face Lan Wangji, tear-tracks fresh on his cheeks. He's still trembling, visibly.]
You said it before, didn't you? Our memories are what set us apart from our doubles. But I don't have those, Lan Zhan. And that means- that means- I'm not the one you're waiting for. I'm not the one you want or chose. Just a convenient copy with his face and body.
[ He doesn't move forward again, if he is not wanted, but he longs to reach out for him, to pull him close, to wipe away his tears, to tell him it's alright.
And he's allowed to be petulant, because he isn't in control of his own life. He hasn't been for a long time. Lan Wangji knows that madness, had felt it briefly when they burned down his home and ushered him away. He knows it hurts, but he knew that Wei Ying would heal.
He is not sure, anymore, what scars will be left, what scars he has made with his own hand to try and prevent others from forming. ]
I will shoulder blame for withholding the truth.
But then tell me, what is best for Wei Ying?
If you ask me for truth, then I will give you wholly. If you ask me to leave, I will.
[ But how does he explain the rest? How does he explain that their memories diverge, that there are things the other Wei Ying knows of his life, but that he hadn't experienced with him, and that going into his future, he never would? There are things that Lan Wangji would have no hope of remembering: a kiss, a drunken chase in a hotel room, a confession. He has lived through when those things were supposed to happen, and they didn't.
Wei Ying is merely missing the last few months of their life together, but those other years belong wholly to Lan Wangji and himself, this one, the Wei Ying who stands in front of him. ]
[Tears patter against the paper-littered floor, and he shakes his head, hugging his arms tightly across his chest. He hates feeling this way, but broken trust is hard to mend. And why had one Lan Wangji thought it imperative that he should know, while this one, the one he ought to feel closest to, thought it needed to stay hidden? It didn't make sense.
What did he want? What was best? He wasn't sure, but he knew it wasn't being left in the dark. Knowledge was always better, wasn't it? It was better to be able to act on something when informed. And if Meng Yao had anything to do with how his past life had ended... shouldn't he know? If he'd ignorantly let himself be led into a trap, wouldn't telling him make sure he didn't fall into the same mistakes?]
I don't know... I don't know. I want to say that no matter how bad the news was, if it came from you, I'd understand. That you'd help me understand.
[What was so terrible about this secret that Lan Zhan didn't feel like he could trust him to know the truth? Was he that susceptible to going back down those darker paths? Had he, in the future?]
You could have told me anytime. But instead you just...
[Played with me, he couldn't quite make himself say. It couldn't have been intentional, Lan Wangji wasn't that cruel, but it was hard not to feel as if he'd just been told what Lan Zhan knew he wanted to hear, let him believe in this fantasy; that things in their future were fine, that he was forgiven, he was loved and cherished and all the while the one Lan Zhan wanted was someone else.
He shakes his head once more and takes a sliding half-step back. He'd thought it strange before, what had he done to win the affection of Hanguang Jun, after all? Whatever ordeal he'd gone through, whatever had brought them close... he hadn't been there for it.]
[ He never feels so small as when Wei Ying pushes him away, when Wei Ying doesn't want to be near him. He looks away for a moment, uncomfortably, trying to maintain his composure because he can't stand to see him cry, can't stand to upset him so. But Lan Wangji refuses to make this about himself, about his own selfish wants or how hard it was not to tell him everything, not to start from the beginning and just weave out the story like notes into a song, their song. ]
Then let me help you understand.
[ He should start at the beginning, the most logical place to begin. But it's long, and complex. Should he explain who his patron was, who brought him back to life? Should he explain what part Xue Yang played, what part Su She played, and all the people that were lost in the balance? ]
If you want to hear it, I will tell you all of it.
[ It is long, and arduous, and confusing, and devoid of most meaning for this Wei Ying who has yet to live through it. But for all the things Lan Wangji has not told him, all the things he has have been the truth. And if he wants to hear it all, he will receive only the truth.
Wei Ying steps away from him, and his fists make balls at his sides, so tight his knuckles go white, biting the inside of his lip so hard he might start tasting the metallic tang of blood.
[Only now, when he'd been caught withholding the information, did he offer it. Even so, part of him wants to say yes, of course, beg him to tell everything, to hold his hand through it and talk about how they worked together, wants to know what it was that sparked this kind and caring side in him.
The other part is too busy holding on to his anger, letting it twist in his gut like a poison. It wants to tell him he's too late, that there's no saving this. What if he hears the explanation and it's not enough? What if Lan Wangji is right and it's enough to drive him mad with thoughts of revenge?
In the end, it's not his heart that's swayed either way, it's his curiosity. Whatever comes of it, he wants to know. Doesn't he deserve that much?]
[ Wei Ying has never left a stone unturned, a thread unpulled. That's part of the reason that Lan Wangji has not wanted to tell him anything. Because if he had confirmed his theory of the two flutes, he would want to know why. He'd unravel their story at the seams. ]
At Nightless City, after you died, there was a rush for the Tiger Seal. Someone would hold it in his hands one second, and be stabbed by his brother the next. To all of them, its power was absolute.
[ He then walks past Wei Ying into the chamber, looking around at the ruins, one hand behind his back, standing the way he always does. ]
Do you remember that night, at Mo Manor? I beheld a sword imbued with the Tiger Seal's energy, and collected the arm of a corpse refusing to be suppressed.
The goddess statue on Dafan mountain reawakened, but you were thankfully there to assist my juniors, and Jin Rulan. In order to do so, you carved a flute and summoned Wen Ning, who had been imprisoned all these years by nails in his head.
[ There's a pause for Wei Ying to react to this, since he knows how important Wen Ning is to him, and doesn't know that someone already told him. ]
The statue drew my attention, but also Jiang Wanyin's.
[ He looks back at Wei Ying, over his shoulder, with an apologetic visage. Clearly, the reunion was not a positive one. And then he looks forward. ]
I had to take you away, and our investigation took us to Qinghe. There, at Xilu Ridge, was a rumor of a soul-eating castle. It was the ancestral hall of the Nie Clan. Their dao, even after death, thirst for blood and must have corpses surrounding them to feed. Immured in the wall we found legs for the Mo Manor arm, sewn onto another corpse's body.
A masked man came to steal the qiankun pouch, and escaped. I chased after him at Yi City while you helped the juniors who had been poisoned by a mist. We fought with Xue Yang, who was disguised as Xiao Xingchen. He had killed Song Lan, and his corpse was being controlled in the same fate that befell Wen Ning.
We found a torso, and then attended a banquet at Carp Tower to look for the last piece. With a paper man, you found the corpse's head inside of Jin Guangyao's room; it was Nie Mingjue. But Jin Guangyao discovered you. In the ensuing fight, you pulled Suibian, and we absconded to the Cloud Recesses, where Xiongzhang graciously hid us.
Right after your identity was revealed, there were corpses being summoned to Yiling, and...
[ He looks up for a second, as if holding back tears, his voice wavering a syllable. ]
And everyone believed it to be your doing. Even when we showed up, and freed the Juniors. A mob of cultivators came to confront you then, but their cores had been sealed. They blamed you for that, as well. It was that Moling Su Clan Leader, who had corrupted songs learned from us. Shufu confirmed your theory. Even after all that, you offered yourself as bait as Wen Ning and I cleared the corpses to let the others escape.
We left for Lotus Pier, where one of Qin Su's maids explained that Jin Guangshan had arranged her marriage to Jin Guangyao, forgetting that he had fathered both of them. When she had found out, she committed suicide.
We followed Jin Rulan to a temple. Guards fired at him, and you brought us out of hiding to save him. We were ushered into the temple, and tricked us into sealing our cores.
Jin Guangyao craved respect, and power, and did horrible things to attain it. He had ordered Xue Yang to kill Nie Mingjue.
Su She wanted to use the tiger seal, but not with its social cost, and he cast the hundred holes curse on Jin Zixun knowing you would be blamed.
[ He takes a breath before confirming: ]
The two of them played the second flute at Qiongqi Pass.
[He'd known bits and pieces. Even now, it felt like he was picking out the pieces that held meaning for him, and trying to seek out the parts that were left out. The cursed sword, that Wen Ning had returned, that much he knew, but then the story seemed to meander, hunting for body parts of an angry corpse, collecting clues along the way.
So, it was Jin Guangyao's design to have Nie Mingjue murdered, but all of that was long after Wei Wuxian had died. Apparently it didn't take long after he'd been revived for him to start being blamed for things once again. That wasn't so surprising, not after rumors of the Yiling Patriarch had grown into something parents scared their children with.
Much of it felt irrelevant, names he could barely put faces to, and seeing the emotion play on Lan Zhan's face only made him feel the distance ever sharper. These memories pained him, and Wei Wuxian couldn't deny a pang of guilt at making Lan Zhan recall them, but...
Su She was the one who'd placed the hundred holes curse? It wasn't even someone he could recall having hurt or wronged in some way. And it was that curse that had brought so many Jin clan members out to Qiongqi Pass and...
He looks up sharply at that. That there could have been a second flute playing, to push his then-fragile control, to cause the tragedy there that had tumbled out of control like a rock gathering speed down a steep hillside, gouging and tearing everything in its path.
It'd been there, ringing in the back of his mind like a dissonance he couldn't place, but he'd thought maybe he'd just lost control, that he'd taken on too much resentful energy, and the ones he'd cared for had paid the price. Nightless City was a painful blur, but hadn't he tried to say it wasn't him? That something else was controlling the corpses? It'd felt mad even as he'd shouted it, but...
He could feel a weight on his heart start to unravel and fall away. Maybe it was only consolation to himself, maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing, but just knowing made a difference to him.
Like a puppet with its strings cut, he falls back against the wall, sliding down to the floor as his knees go weak under him. All of it was nothing more than power games and political maneuvering. How many had died for something so empty?
And why was it such a secret? He knew Meng Yao was here, but... from what Lan Xichen said, he was taken from long before most of that happened. Before he'd even taken on the Jin family name.]
I don't understand... why couldn't you tell me before now? Did you think I would...
[ All of those lives had been lost to power, but isn't that also the nature of the beast? Isn't that just how human nature was, to try and be stronger than everyone else, to grasp whatever you could to make yourself the most worthy among your neighbors? Where the Wen Sect left off, the Jin Sect took its place. It was just, some endless cycle that Wei Ying had gotten caught up in. ]
Yes. Because I thought you would be angry.
[ Angrier than this, apparently. Because Wei Ying is a great many things but he is not really good at hiding his emotions, and he is also not very good at managing his own strength and his passion, and the force with which he lets those things impact himself. ]
You have every right to be.
[ But he'd also seen that righteous anger, that desperation as everything was taken away from him, and one misstep after another, he fell deeper into trouble until he could only see one way out of it. Lan Wangji had been helpless then, hanging over the side of the cliff; he'd have given that arm to the crevasse if it could have meant that Wei Ying survived. Even if it only meant that Wei Ying knew there was someone who cared for him enough to save him.
He doesn't know how he'd stood staring down the empty way, how he'd nearly broken every single rule he could to pick Jiang Wanyin up and throw him over that ledge so he could see what it was he'd done. How little everything else mattered, but that he couldn't get through to Wei Ying in his anger, and that had been the death of him.
Was it so selfish, to want to create a world Wei Ying could feel happier in? ]
If you feel better, that you know, it is my fault.
[ Maybe he should have said something. How many more times can he stand to try and do something that isn't what Wei Ying wants in the first place? He feels as if he has failed, and failing Wei Ying hurts as much as any punishment he could imagine. ]
[He ran his fingers slowly through his hair. Of course he was angry. He'd been used, and the people he cared about most had paid the price. And while Lan Wangji said it was justified, he'd still been scared of what that anger would do to Wei Wuxian. It left his emotions in turmoil and confusion, and he couldn't help second-guessing his own reactions. What did any of it matter now? Here, where there was no way of knowing if they'd ever make it home again? All he could really do was... try to sort things out and see if he could make any sense of it at all.
He shook his head a moment later, rubbing at his eyes.]
But... No, I asked... It's not your fault.
[It was a dilemma he'd had before, many times. Trying to decide what was right and just, and sometimes all he could do was wait and hope he'd made the right decision. And if he couldn't believe anything else, he had to believe that Lan Zhan wouldn't have made this decision if he thought it would hurt anyone. It stung, to be left in the dark, but he couldn't yell about trust and not invest his own in the only person who'd ever tried to do the same for him.
He owed the truth, even if it was hard to say.]
More than that, I'm just... scared.
[What if he can't reconcile this? What if he's not able to grow and forgive and change? What if he never has the same experiences that made Lan Wangji see value in him in the first place? He doesn't want to fall back down into that dark place, he knows already what revenge can cost, would he really let himself become that again?]
[ That's precisely why he didn't want to say anything, because he had already known that the Wei Ying of his time had accepted this fate, had let go of the hatred in his heart, and was all the happier for it. He hadn't been forced to choose, or even forced to consider it, not like this. But he also hadn't been forced, a hand, feeling like he was up against himself, competing against a future version of himself.
And if Lan Wangji hadn't wanted him to feel that way either, could he be blamed? Could he really have explained in full meaning those last few months they spent together, without coloring Wei Ying's opinion with his biases? Could he really express the full impact, the same one that Wei Ying had experienced living through them?
He approaches Wei Ying again, one step at a time, not trying to startle him, not trying to invade a space he's unwelcome. But Wei Ying said he was scared, and Lan Wangji wants him to know something. ]
It's alright to be scared.
[ Lan Wangji, honestly, he's scared too. He didn't want things to happen this way. He doesn't know how to fix this, and there's very little he can't make happen with his own two hands. What use is his reputation if he can't use it to clear up Wei Ying's name? What good is all this training he's done, if he can't save the person who means most to him? ]
Let me help you. Let me stay with you.
[ He reaches out a hand, and this time, instead of just taking it for himself, he waits for Wei Ying to do so. ]
[It was something he hadn't admitted, mostly because it made him feel small and vulnerable and utterly incapable. Having Lan Wangji tell him that that of all things was alright though? It's enough for him to look up, scanning Lan Zhan's eyes for a moment before they flick away, knees drawn up near his chest protectively.
He'd heard this before, refused it before, too caught up in shouldering everything on his own. But he'd learned since then, hadn't he? Maybe not a lot, but even so, wouldn't making the same decisions just end with more people getting hurt? That was probably exactly the reason Lan Wangji had been so concerned. Logically, of course that made sense, but logic felt hard to come by, was he even thinking clearly? He couldn't deny how desperately he wanted to take the hand offered, to take the decision from his hands. All that stood in the way was pride and he'd seen over and over the downfall such a thing was.
Almost as bad was the feeling that he'd let Lan Wangji down in some way. This wasn't rule-breaking and sneaking in after curfew, this was... Well, whatever other version of himself that had handled this all without anger or lingering resentment, he wished he could share those same experiences, and be the person Lan Zhan was missing.
He nods once, slow and deliberate, glancing down at the outstretched hand. He takes it in both of his, thumbs moving slowly over his open palm.]
[ He knows, that it's painful to hear, that it's painful to know that it's something Lan Wangji kept from him. He knows he feels conflicted, that he feels a lot of contradictory emotions, that he quite possibly has this annoying weight in the pit of his stomach trying to worm its way out as if he'd swallowed whole an angry snake. He'd had these questions. He'd had sixteen years of questions.
If Wei Ying had said any of those things aloud, Lan Wangji would have told him that he just needed time, and reiterated that that's why he hadn't said anything. Because these things would've been better unfolded naturally, because something so important isn't just something that can be dropped on someone like a bombshell in ten minutes of summarizing.
He gives Wei Ying's hand a squeeze, and dares to come closer, to stay by him. It's a weight lifted off of his heart, that now Wei Ying knows everything, but it's a weight he'd transferred. He feels bad about it, but looks at him with a gentle gaze. Whatever the need, Lan Wangji would support him. ]
The entire time, I believed you.
[ Going back to Nightless City, going back to Carp Tower. That was something he hadn't communicated well enough. But he wants Wei Ying to know, even if he knew of his innocence the entire time he'd been here, that's not the only reason he's standing beside him. ]
I didn't let you know. I gave you opportunity to doubt me.
[ Isn't that what he'd thought, that Lan Wangji had only been there to take him back to Gusu, to imprison him, once a friend, now the biggest one obstacle standing in his way? ]
[Lan Zhan wouldn't lie, it was a fact as immutable as the 3000 rules of his sect. If he said he believed, Wei Wuxian could be certain it was true, even if he'd callously thrown that in his face just moments ago. Hearing it again made his stomach twist, and already Lan Zhan was the one asking to make it up to him.
He shakes his head.]
I let you down...
[He rubs a hand over his eyes again, clearing away any remnants of tear tracks.]
[ He gently shakes his head in return, and comes even closer to help Wei Ying wipe away his tears and dry his eyes. Honestly, he is taking this a lot better than Lan Wangji had anticipated. It might not have sunk in yet, or maybe this is truly just how he feels. Only time will give him an answer. ]
You could never let me down.
[ Even when he'd leapt off that cliff, Lan Wangji hadn't blamed him. No, he had only wanted Wei Ying back, and would have given almost anything just to see him smile one more time, laugh, wrinkle his nose. Lan Wangji is grateful for all this time with Wei Ying he's been gifted, so he would consider none of it disappointing.
He is possibly not the person that Wei Ying needs an embrace from right now, but as his anger subsides to something more manageable, Lan Wangji places a steady hand on his shoulder and moves forward to hold him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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This is something we ought to speak about in person.
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[And, he's just going to be ignoring his Empathy for a while.]
1/?
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I'm in my room.
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He'd checked everywhere but here, because he didn't have a key. ]
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What's going on, Lan Zhan?
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Months from now, I take you and hide you at the Cloud Recesses. You and I, we form a suspicion of Meng Yao together.
You tell me that you no longer care, if he did it or not. You tell me you did, when you were first resurrected, but you have accepted that the people wanted someone to blame, and if not for Jin Guangyao, there would be someone else.
You forget seeking revenge, holding onto anger.
And you don't let it destroy you.
[ That was a lot of words, but he had several hours to string some together, and he wanted Wei Ying to know it wasn't some sort of conspiracy to hold facts from him for Meng Yao's sake. Or even Xichen's. ]
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Lan Zhan... You want me to be that person, but I'm not. I haven't lived that life, I haven't taken that path.
[He grits his teeth, eyes already red-rimmed.]
Tell me. How much of what happened before... how much of it was Meng Yao? You say we had a suspicion of what he did, but I still don't know what the hell that is! He framed me, set me up, made me someone to blame, fine, but you didn't think I should know that?
[There were plenty of holes in his memory, things he wasn't sure of, and Lan Zhan had all the pieces, and even knowingly kept them from him. He felt lied to, hurt, frustrated. He knows he shouldn't lash out, but he has nowhere else for this anger to go.]
No wonder it was so easy for you to say you believed in me, you already knew. That's not trust, Lan Zhan. That's not...
[He can't hold onto his voice anymore, hot tears already spilling over, so he turns away.]
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[ Looking at how upset he is, he knows for certain. Was that not why he was willing to take his secret of Jiang Wanyin's core to the grave? When would Jiang Wanyin ever be ready to learn of what happened on that mountain?
Yet, he cannot blame Wei Ying for this reaction. He knew it would happen, if he found out. He knew it would cause this upset, and rightfully so: at Meng Yao, at the world, at Lan Wangji himself. He wouldn't have told him just to save his own conscience from this fallout now happening.
And he won't try to save himself by saying that he had believed Wei Ying the whole time, that he'd trusted him for twenty years, that in that regard there is no missing sixteen years in the middle.
Wei Ying may be angry with him, but he won't leave. Not this time.
He reaches out for Wei Ying, trepidatiously in case he's rejected. At first it's a hand on his arm, but if Wei Ying will allow it, Lan Wangji will pull him into an embrace and let him cry, or hit him, or yell out his frustrations. Whatever he wishes, as long as his anger is channeled directly to the only other person in this room. ]
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[Just like how he'd wanted him to run away to Gusu, try to fix all his problems, try to tell him what he ought to do... it chafes at him. Being left in the dark, while everyone around him knows more about his own life than he does. Sheltering him from these things, how is it not just another pretty cage? Keeping him complacent and surrounded by this happiness that now feels so empty.
The hand on his arm is enough for him to jerk away, flinching at the touch, though he turns to face Lan Wangji, tear-tracks fresh on his cheeks. He's still trembling, visibly.]
You said it before, didn't you? Our memories are what set us apart from our doubles. But I don't have those, Lan Zhan. And that means- that means- I'm not the one you're waiting for. I'm not the one you want or chose. Just a convenient copy with his face and body.
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[ He doesn't move forward again, if he is not wanted, but he longs to reach out for him, to pull him close, to wipe away his tears, to tell him it's alright.
And he's allowed to be petulant, because he isn't in control of his own life. He hasn't been for a long time. Lan Wangji knows that madness, had felt it briefly when they burned down his home and ushered him away. He knows it hurts, but he knew that Wei Ying would heal.
He is not sure, anymore, what scars will be left, what scars he has made with his own hand to try and prevent others from forming. ]
I will shoulder blame for withholding the truth.
But then tell me, what is best for Wei Ying?
If you ask me for truth, then I will give you wholly. If you ask me to leave, I will.
[ But how does he explain the rest? How does he explain that their memories diverge, that there are things the other Wei Ying knows of his life, but that he hadn't experienced with him, and that going into his future, he never would? There are things that Lan Wangji would have no hope of remembering: a kiss, a drunken chase in a hotel room, a confession. He has lived through when those things were supposed to happen, and they didn't.
Wei Ying is merely missing the last few months of their life together, but those other years belong wholly to Lan Wangji and himself, this one, the Wei Ying who stands in front of him. ]
And you are mistaken. I chose you.
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What did he want? What was best? He wasn't sure, but he knew it wasn't being left in the dark. Knowledge was always better, wasn't it? It was better to be able to act on something when informed. And if Meng Yao had anything to do with how his past life had ended... shouldn't he know? If he'd ignorantly let himself be led into a trap, wouldn't telling him make sure he didn't fall into the same mistakes?]
I don't know... I don't know. I want to say that no matter how bad the news was, if it came from you, I'd understand. That you'd help me understand.
[What was so terrible about this secret that Lan Zhan didn't feel like he could trust him to know the truth? Was he that susceptible to going back down those darker paths? Had he, in the future?]
You could have told me anytime. But instead you just...
[Played with me, he couldn't quite make himself say. It couldn't have been intentional, Lan Wangji wasn't that cruel, but it was hard not to feel as if he'd just been told what Lan Zhan knew he wanted to hear, let him believe in this fantasy; that things in their future were fine, that he was forgiven, he was loved and cherished and all the while the one Lan Zhan wanted was someone else.
He shakes his head once more and takes a sliding half-step back. He'd thought it strange before, what had he done to win the affection of Hanguang Jun, after all? Whatever ordeal he'd gone through, whatever had brought them close... he hadn't been there for it.]
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Then let me help you understand.
[ He should start at the beginning, the most logical place to begin. But it's long, and complex. Should he explain who his patron was, who brought him back to life? Should he explain what part Xue Yang played, what part Su She played, and all the people that were lost in the balance? ]
If you want to hear it, I will tell you all of it.
[ It is long, and arduous, and confusing, and devoid of most meaning for this Wei Ying who has yet to live through it. But for all the things Lan Wangji has not told him, all the things he has have been the truth. And if he wants to hear it all, he will receive only the truth.
Wei Ying steps away from him, and his fists make balls at his sides, so tight his knuckles go white, biting the inside of his lip so hard he might start tasting the metallic tang of blood.
How could he have let things get to this? ]
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The other part is too busy holding on to his anger, letting it twist in his gut like a poison. It wants to tell him he's too late, that there's no saving this. What if he hears the explanation and it's not enough? What if Lan Wangji is right and it's enough to drive him mad with thoughts of revenge?
In the end, it's not his heart that's swayed either way, it's his curiosity. Whatever comes of it, he wants to know. Doesn't he deserve that much?]
Tell me.
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At Nightless City, after you died, there was a rush for the Tiger Seal. Someone would hold it in his hands one second, and be stabbed by his brother the next. To all of them, its power was absolute.
[ He then walks past Wei Ying into the chamber, looking around at the ruins, one hand behind his back, standing the way he always does. ]
Do you remember that night, at Mo Manor? I beheld a sword imbued with the Tiger Seal's energy, and collected the arm of a corpse refusing to be suppressed.
The goddess statue on Dafan mountain reawakened, but you were thankfully there to assist my juniors, and Jin Rulan. In order to do so, you carved a flute and summoned Wen Ning, who had been imprisoned all these years by nails in his head.
[ There's a pause for Wei Ying to react to this, since he knows how important Wen Ning is to him, and doesn't know that someone already told him. ]
The statue drew my attention, but also Jiang Wanyin's.
[ He looks back at Wei Ying, over his shoulder, with an apologetic visage. Clearly, the reunion was not a positive one. And then he looks forward. ]
I had to take you away, and our investigation took us to Qinghe. There, at Xilu Ridge, was a rumor of a soul-eating castle. It was the ancestral hall of the Nie Clan. Their dao, even after death, thirst for blood and must have corpses surrounding them to feed. Immured in the wall we found legs for the Mo Manor arm, sewn onto another corpse's body.
A masked man came to steal the qiankun pouch, and escaped. I chased after him at Yi City while you helped the juniors who had been poisoned by a mist. We fought with Xue Yang, who was disguised as Xiao Xingchen. He had killed Song Lan, and his corpse was being controlled in the same fate that befell Wen Ning.
We found a torso, and then attended a banquet at Carp Tower to look for the last piece. With a paper man, you found the corpse's head inside of Jin Guangyao's room; it was Nie Mingjue. But Jin Guangyao discovered you. In the ensuing fight, you pulled Suibian, and we absconded to the Cloud Recesses, where Xiongzhang graciously hid us.
Right after your identity was revealed, there were corpses being summoned to Yiling, and...
[ He looks up for a second, as if holding back tears, his voice wavering a syllable. ]
And everyone believed it to be your doing. Even when we showed up, and freed the Juniors. A mob of cultivators came to confront you then, but their cores had been sealed. They blamed you for that, as well. It was that Moling Su Clan Leader, who had corrupted songs learned from us. Shufu confirmed your theory. Even after all that, you offered yourself as bait as Wen Ning and I cleared the corpses to let the others escape.
We left for Lotus Pier, where one of Qin Su's maids explained that Jin Guangshan had arranged her marriage to Jin Guangyao, forgetting that he had fathered both of them. When she had found out, she committed suicide.
We followed Jin Rulan to a temple. Guards fired at him, and you brought us out of hiding to save him. We were ushered into the temple, and tricked us into sealing our cores.
Jin Guangyao craved respect, and power, and did horrible things to attain it. He had ordered Xue Yang to kill Nie Mingjue.
Su She wanted to use the tiger seal, but not with its social cost, and he cast the hundred holes curse on Jin Zixun knowing you would be blamed.
[ He takes a breath before confirming: ]
The two of them played the second flute at Qiongqi Pass.
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So, it was Jin Guangyao's design to have Nie Mingjue murdered, but all of that was long after Wei Wuxian had died. Apparently it didn't take long after he'd been revived for him to start being blamed for things once again. That wasn't so surprising, not after rumors of the Yiling Patriarch had grown into something parents scared their children with.
Much of it felt irrelevant, names he could barely put faces to, and seeing the emotion play on Lan Zhan's face only made him feel the distance ever sharper. These memories pained him, and Wei Wuxian couldn't deny a pang of guilt at making Lan Zhan recall them, but...
Su She was the one who'd placed the hundred holes curse? It wasn't even someone he could recall having hurt or wronged in some way. And it was that curse that had brought so many Jin clan members out to Qiongqi Pass and...
He looks up sharply at that. That there could have been a second flute playing, to push his then-fragile control, to cause the tragedy there that had tumbled out of control like a rock gathering speed down a steep hillside, gouging and tearing everything in its path.
It'd been there, ringing in the back of his mind like a dissonance he couldn't place, but he'd thought maybe he'd just lost control, that he'd taken on too much resentful energy, and the ones he'd cared for had paid the price. Nightless City was a painful blur, but hadn't he tried to say it wasn't him? That something else was controlling the corpses? It'd felt mad even as he'd shouted it, but...
He could feel a weight on his heart start to unravel and fall away. Maybe it was only consolation to himself, maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing, but just knowing made a difference to him.
Like a puppet with its strings cut, he falls back against the wall, sliding down to the floor as his knees go weak under him. All of it was nothing more than power games and political maneuvering. How many had died for something so empty?
And why was it such a secret? He knew Meng Yao was here, but... from what Lan Xichen said, he was taken from long before most of that happened. Before he'd even taken on the Jin family name.]
I don't understand... why couldn't you tell me before now? Did you think I would...
[He swallows thickly.]
Hurt someone? Lose control?
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Yes. Because I thought you would be angry.
[ Angrier than this, apparently. Because Wei Ying is a great many things but he is not really good at hiding his emotions, and he is also not very good at managing his own strength and his passion, and the force with which he lets those things impact himself. ]
You have every right to be.
[ But he'd also seen that righteous anger, that desperation as everything was taken away from him, and one misstep after another, he fell deeper into trouble until he could only see one way out of it. Lan Wangji had been helpless then, hanging over the side of the cliff; he'd have given that arm to the crevasse if it could have meant that Wei Ying survived. Even if it only meant that Wei Ying knew there was someone who cared for him enough to save him.
He doesn't know how he'd stood staring down the empty way, how he'd nearly broken every single rule he could to pick Jiang Wanyin up and throw him over that ledge so he could see what it was he'd done. How little everything else mattered, but that he couldn't get through to Wei Ying in his anger, and that had been the death of him.
Was it so selfish, to want to create a world Wei Ying could feel happier in? ]
If you feel better, that you know, it is my fault.
[ Maybe he should have said something. How many more times can he stand to try and do something that isn't what Wei Ying wants in the first place? He feels as if he has failed, and failing Wei Ying hurts as much as any punishment he could imagine. ]
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[He ran his fingers slowly through his hair. Of course he was angry. He'd been used, and the people he cared about most had paid the price. And while Lan Wangji said it was justified, he'd still been scared of what that anger would do to Wei Wuxian. It left his emotions in turmoil and confusion, and he couldn't help second-guessing his own reactions. What did any of it matter now? Here, where there was no way of knowing if they'd ever make it home again? All he could really do was... try to sort things out and see if he could make any sense of it at all.
He shook his head a moment later, rubbing at his eyes.]
But... No, I asked... It's not your fault.
[It was a dilemma he'd had before, many times. Trying to decide what was right and just, and sometimes all he could do was wait and hope he'd made the right decision. And if he couldn't believe anything else, he had to believe that Lan Zhan wouldn't have made this decision if he thought it would hurt anyone. It stung, to be left in the dark, but he couldn't yell about trust and not invest his own in the only person who'd ever tried to do the same for him.
He owed the truth, even if it was hard to say.]
More than that, I'm just... scared.
[What if he can't reconcile this? What if he's not able to grow and forgive and change? What if he never has the same experiences that made Lan Wangji see value in him in the first place? He doesn't want to fall back down into that dark place, he knows already what revenge can cost, would he really let himself become that again?]
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And if Lan Wangji hadn't wanted him to feel that way either, could he be blamed? Could he really have explained in full meaning those last few months they spent together, without coloring Wei Ying's opinion with his biases? Could he really express the full impact, the same one that Wei Ying had experienced living through them?
He approaches Wei Ying again, one step at a time, not trying to startle him, not trying to invade a space he's unwelcome. But Wei Ying said he was scared, and Lan Wangji wants him to know something. ]
It's alright to be scared.
[ Lan Wangji, honestly, he's scared too. He didn't want things to happen this way. He doesn't know how to fix this, and there's very little he can't make happen with his own two hands. What use is his reputation if he can't use it to clear up Wei Ying's name? What good is all this training he's done, if he can't save the person who means most to him? ]
Let me help you. Let me stay with you.
[ He reaches out a hand, and this time, instead of just taking it for himself, he waits for Wei Ying to do so. ]
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He'd heard this before, refused it before, too caught up in shouldering everything on his own. But he'd learned since then, hadn't he? Maybe not a lot, but even so, wouldn't making the same decisions just end with more people getting hurt? That was probably exactly the reason Lan Wangji had been so concerned. Logically, of course that made sense, but logic felt hard to come by, was he even thinking clearly? He couldn't deny how desperately he wanted to take the hand offered, to take the decision from his hands. All that stood in the way was pride and he'd seen over and over the downfall such a thing was.
Almost as bad was the feeling that he'd let Lan Wangji down in some way. This wasn't rule-breaking and sneaking in after curfew, this was... Well, whatever other version of himself that had handled this all without anger or lingering resentment, he wished he could share those same experiences, and be the person Lan Zhan was missing.
He nods once, slow and deliberate, glancing down at the outstretched hand. He takes it in both of his, thumbs moving slowly over his open palm.]
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If Wei Ying had said any of those things aloud, Lan Wangji would have told him that he just needed time, and reiterated that that's why he hadn't said anything. Because these things would've been better unfolded naturally, because something so important isn't just something that can be dropped on someone like a bombshell in ten minutes of summarizing.
He gives Wei Ying's hand a squeeze, and dares to come closer, to stay by him. It's a weight lifted off of his heart, that now Wei Ying knows everything, but it's a weight he'd transferred. He feels bad about it, but looks at him with a gentle gaze. Whatever the need, Lan Wangji would support him. ]
The entire time, I believed you.
[ Going back to Nightless City, going back to Carp Tower. That was something he hadn't communicated well enough. But he wants Wei Ying to know, even if he knew of his innocence the entire time he'd been here, that's not the only reason he's standing beside him. ]
I didn't let you know. I gave you opportunity to doubt me.
[ Isn't that what he'd thought, that Lan Wangji had only been there to take him back to Gusu, to imprison him, once a friend, now the biggest one obstacle standing in his way? ]
Will you let me make it up to you?
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He shakes his head.]
I let you down...
[He rubs a hand over his eyes again, clearing away any remnants of tear tracks.]
Shouldn't I be the one saying that?
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You could never let me down.
[ Even when he'd leapt off that cliff, Lan Wangji hadn't blamed him. No, he had only wanted Wei Ying back, and would have given almost anything just to see him smile one more time, laugh, wrinkle his nose. Lan Wangji is grateful for all this time with Wei Ying he's been gifted, so he would consider none of it disappointing.
He is possibly not the person that Wei Ying needs an embrace from right now, but as his anger subsides to something more manageable, Lan Wangji places a steady hand on his shoulder and moves forward to hold him. ]
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