[That was unexpected. He'd thought Lan Wangji might hesitantly admit that he'd hoped to help change him, or steer him toward the end he wished for. If that wasn't his goal, if he wasn't waiting to push him to become the Wei Wuxian he knew, then...
He startle a little at the revelation, lifting his head just enough to study Lan Wangji's eyes. Not that he expected to see anything but truth there, but he had to confirm it, even so.]
That long? Even before...?
[Even when he'd been such a anger-driven mess? When he'd been destroying himself slowly from the inside out. Even then? He knew better than to think Lan Zhan hated him back then, but hadn't he been so troublesome? He'd been certain there was no one that mourned the Yiling Laozu back then.]
[ Especially then, he wants to say. Because then, Wei Ying had needed the most love, had needed the most guidance and support. He would have thought it inappropriate, that Jiang Cheng or Jiang Yanli should have been the ones to reach out to him. Even Jin Zixuan, who was going to marry into his family. At the time, who was Lan Wangji? Hadn't Wei Ying said it himself? He isn't a Lan, he wouldn't kowtow to those rules. Who were the Lans anyway, on their high horses of morality?
He wishes he'd pushed past it, what was appropriate and what wasn't, and taken more initiative, ordered Wei Ying around. Maybe that's what drove him to keep things from him, what drives him to keep shielding him from physical or mental hurt, because he had failed so hard before, and regretted it for a lifetime. ]
I know what it cost you, to save the Wens. I have never forgotten, nor confused your bravery and sacrifice for pursuit of glory.
[ How could he not love him, then, through that hardship? He had never known Wei Ying to be someone hungry for power for the sake of it. He, who had offered up his own core to his brother. He, who had always had aspirations to be his brother's right-hand man. He had never feared another's shadow. What good would he have for his inventions except for knowledge, of pure curiosity, of a genuine want to improve the lives of those around him?
That Lan Wangji loves him is no mystery. That no one else has seemed to want to compete for his affections, is their loss. ]
[He'd asked himself again and again if there had been another way. He never wished to regret, but he'd found that didn't always go hand-in-hand with upholding his sense of justice. He didn't regret doing what he felt was right, but he regretted the things that followed; being cut off from his family, disowned, missing those moments he'd promised them, missing the life he'd thought he'd wanted. But he'd known that was impossible, long before the Wens. He'd given everything he could for the Jiang family, right down to his core, and if that was the trade to make them whole, he'd thought it well worth it, even if his other promises and dreams went unfulfilled.
It was human, to still want them, to mourn what could have been. He wasn't perfect, far from it, he'd snapped at those around him, when things got bad, in his weaker moments even little A-Yuan, who deserved none of his ire. Over things as silly as a few lotus sprouts. A final, snapping thread on the frayed rope that had been his mind then.
He lets out a breath then, and lets himself be held, allows himself that small measure of comfort. The embrace he returns is weak and more than a little shaky. He wishes he'd known then, wishes he'd acted on that improbable urge to ask Lan Zhan to stay. Maybe part of him had known then, that he would have said yes, and that was exactly why he'd kept it as only his own quiet wish.]
We're... okay, right? Lan Zhan... I want you to stay, okay? I don't want to go back to a time where you're not with me.
[ Lan Wangji holds him tighter still, chest to chest, thighs to thighs, pressing Wei Ying into all the curves of his body so they fit together with no room for anything separating the two of them. ]
My heart has not wavered. I do not answer for yours.
[ Because it's alright, if Wei Ying thinks this is all too much too fast. Maybe he's afraid if he breaks the engagement, that he'd lose Wangji entirely. But he needs Wei Ying to know that in all these sixteen years, all he'd ever wanted was the chance to talk to him again, to heal him, to make him happy, to take care of him. And perhaps then, he'd realize, it really doesn't matter what Lan Wangji wants. What Lan Wangji wants is Wei Ying's happiness, first and foremost and over his own.
He can only hope that the two things coincide, that what gladdens Wei Ying's heart is Lan Wangji always at his side, sometimes guarding him, sometimes guiding him, sometimes drunkenly being led by him. ]
[He had struggled before, feeling like he was shattering apart, with nothing to catch all the pieces. He knew what it was like to fall apart. He was still new to being held together. He'd always worried that caring too much for someone else would take away his freedom, like a halter around his neck, but instead it felt like coming home. A place where he was warm and wanted and whole.]
It's with you.
[He hugs Lan Zhan all the tighter, tucking his head under his chin.]
[ He's glad Wei Ying can't see him right now, because it's been an emotional journey tonight, and he was so scared he had caused himself to lose Wei Ying through withholding the truth from him. Stupid, he'd thought, and been. Stupid, and careless. He'd hurt Wei Ying, and yet for all the both of them seem to think they're on opposite pages, they're on the same one constantly looking for the other.
One escaped tear makes its way onto Wei Ying's hair, and Lan Wangji tries to disguise it with a press of his lips.
[Whether for good or ill, he doesn't notice Lan Zhan's single tear, though with how red his own eyes have been over the course of the day, he can hardly point fingers. He's just content, for the moment, to stay here. For once, he doesn't mind the silence, and doesn't try to fill it with chatter or idle talk.
When Lan Zhan asks if he wants to leave, he can't think of a single reason to stay. Lan Zhan's room has become as welcome to him as any other home he's had, and infinitely more pleasant than his own darkened chambers. He nods, pulling back slightly, taking hold of his hand, rather than his waist, and twining their fingers together with a soft squeeze.]
[ Wei Ying has wondered, for the last few weeks, if Lan Wangji would see this through. And despite being told he would, he still shies away, his confidence in the matter unstable.
And Lan Wangji pauses before leaving, taking Wei Ying's face with his free hand, and pressing a kiss to his cheek. They are fine. They will be fine. As long as Wei Ying is happy, Lan Wangji is happy. And as long as Wei Ying needs to be reminded the depths of Lan Wangji's love for him, then he's more than willing to provide.
It's only a little walk away from Yiling to the Cloud Recesses, unlike it was before. And in this place, Lan Wangji won't force Wei Ying to follow any of the now four-thousand rules. ]
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no subject
He startle a little at the revelation, lifting his head just enough to study Lan Wangji's eyes. Not that he expected to see anything but truth there, but he had to confirm it, even so.]
That long? Even before...?
[Even when he'd been such a anger-driven mess? When he'd been destroying himself slowly from the inside out. Even then? He knew better than to think Lan Zhan hated him back then, but hadn't he been so troublesome? He'd been certain there was no one that mourned the Yiling Laozu back then.]
no subject
He wishes he'd pushed past it, what was appropriate and what wasn't, and taken more initiative, ordered Wei Ying around. Maybe that's what drove him to keep things from him, what drives him to keep shielding him from physical or mental hurt, because he had failed so hard before, and regretted it for a lifetime. ]
I know what it cost you, to save the Wens. I have never forgotten, nor confused your bravery and sacrifice for pursuit of glory.
[ How could he not love him, then, through that hardship? He had never known Wei Ying to be someone hungry for power for the sake of it. He, who had offered up his own core to his brother. He, who had always had aspirations to be his brother's right-hand man. He had never feared another's shadow. What good would he have for his inventions except for knowledge, of pure curiosity, of a genuine want to improve the lives of those around him?
That Lan Wangji loves him is no mystery. That no one else has seemed to want to compete for his affections, is their loss. ]
no subject
It was human, to still want them, to mourn what could have been. He wasn't perfect, far from it, he'd snapped at those around him, when things got bad, in his weaker moments even little A-Yuan, who deserved none of his ire. Over things as silly as a few lotus sprouts. A final, snapping thread on the frayed rope that had been his mind then.
He lets out a breath then, and lets himself be held, allows himself that small measure of comfort. The embrace he returns is weak and more than a little shaky. He wishes he'd known then, wishes he'd acted on that improbable urge to ask Lan Zhan to stay. Maybe part of him had known then, that he would have said yes, and that was exactly why he'd kept it as only his own quiet wish.]
We're... okay, right? Lan Zhan... I want you to stay, okay? I don't want to go back to a time where you're not with me.
no subject
My heart has not wavered. I do not answer for yours.
[ Because it's alright, if Wei Ying thinks this is all too much too fast. Maybe he's afraid if he breaks the engagement, that he'd lose Wangji entirely. But he needs Wei Ying to know that in all these sixteen years, all he'd ever wanted was the chance to talk to him again, to heal him, to make him happy, to take care of him. And perhaps then, he'd realize, it really doesn't matter what Lan Wangji wants. What Lan Wangji wants is Wei Ying's happiness, first and foremost and over his own.
He can only hope that the two things coincide, that what gladdens Wei Ying's heart is Lan Wangji always at his side, sometimes guarding him, sometimes guiding him, sometimes drunkenly being led by him. ]
no subject
It's with you.
[He hugs Lan Zhan all the tighter, tucking his head under his chin.]
no subject
One escaped tear makes its way onto Wei Ying's hair, and Lan Wangji tries to disguise it with a press of his lips.
After a pause, he asks: ]
My chambers?
no subject
When Lan Zhan asks if he wants to leave, he can't think of a single reason to stay. Lan Zhan's room has become as welcome to him as any other home he's had, and infinitely more pleasant than his own darkened chambers. He nods, pulling back slightly, taking hold of his hand, rather than his waist, and twining their fingers together with a soft squeeze.]
no subject
And Lan Wangji pauses before leaving, taking Wei Ying's face with his free hand, and pressing a kiss to his cheek. They are fine. They will be fine. As long as Wei Ying is happy, Lan Wangji is happy. And as long as Wei Ying needs to be reminded the depths of Lan Wangji's love for him, then he's more than willing to provide.
It's only a little walk away from Yiling to the Cloud Recesses, unlike it was before. And in this place, Lan Wangji won't force Wei Ying to follow any of the now four-thousand rules. ]